Placing my first bet….

I often find myself putting things on hold or procrastinating because I overthink everything or I simply just don’t have the urge to do it. Today, I am here to tell you how I finally decided to do something I wanted to do for a long time, but I just never followed through. 

Around August 2019, I started facing depression and anxiety. I was going through the worst break up of my life. The next month, I realized I had a problem. My anxiety attacks were happening more frequently and I just really wasn’t in a good space. I would hear others talk about depression and anxiety, but it took for me to go through it myself to understand what others were going through. I started having dark thoughts and using alcohol as a depressant. I used to scare myself with the thoughts I was having, but I was also scared to express these thoughts with certain people because I didn’t want to be looked at as crazy or get comments undermining how I was feeling over a “break up”. Granted I never actually hated my life to that extent, but I wanted the pain and blame I was putting on myself to stop. Anything I wanted to do whether it was posting a photo, travel, workout, or even save money was no longer an option. To keep myself from thinking about what was bothering me I would spend endless amounts of money on things I honestly cannot even account for until this very day. Thousands of dollars just gone because I thought going out drinking with my friends and sometimes by myself would take away the pain I was feeling. When I finally got myself together in February 2020, I told myself I have to get out of this depressing space I was in because I was losing so much weight and what I wanted back just seemed like it was never going to happen again.

In that same month, I decided to bet on myself and DM’d a photographer I had reached out to months ago. I finally set an appointment and paid my deposit that same day. I had no idea what exactly I was getting myself into when I booked this photoshoot. I just knew I loved taking photos and this was something I always wanted to do. Now, Let me tell you…. Booking that shoot did not stop what I was going through at the time because I literally went through one of the toughest parts of my depression a few days after I booked my shoot and if I didn’t pay that deposit I probably would have canceled it. 

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My message to you all is when you are depressed, dealing with anxiety, lose your confidence or motivation for whatever reason keep pushing. You will get that confidence you once had or motivation you once lost back. I was at my lowest from August 2019-February 2020. It felt like it would never be over. I still have moments until this very day where I do reminisce about my relationship, the break-up, and how I used to feel. When you finally get that drive back whether it’s small or big do not ignore that. For me, it was booking a photoshoot because I knew where I would be most happy. This photoshoot helped me renew my confidence and self-love. I was able to use fashion and photography to help me find a way to break through my depression. My photographer was also patient, had amazing ideas and great energy.

P.S This is very important ! I also had an amazing therapist and I probably wouldn’t even be able to sit here and write this post because she’s actually the one who brought journaling to my attention. I also had a couple of people who helped me get through some tough days and nights and I greatly appreciate them as well. I’m in such a better space mentally and physically which I am so thankful for. Let my experience be an example of how you can use your pain to fuel your passion.

-Kayzee